The Values Shift I Didn’t See Coming (Part 2)
When I finally recognized that I like clothes, I started looking back through old photos—the ones from my fundamentalist days when every outfit was inspected for modesty. (Read Part 1 here.)
And you know what? Even then, I was experimenting.
I remember these green shorts paired with a purple T-shirt that I wore constantly because the colors made me happy. I remember the pink cowgirl hat and the blue scarf I used to wear to church, fully aware people were staring—not because anything was “immodest” (all my girl parts were fully covered), but because I had the audacity to wear color.
And the shoes. I had great shoes. I remember being thrilled when my feet stopped growing because it meant I could keep them forever.
It still amazes me that I didn’t know I liked clothes until nearly midlife, because the signs were always there. I gravitated toward high-quality pieces because they lasted longer and fit better. I loved knowing I was wearing Anthropologie, and you would never catch me wearing something from Walmart…ever.
I didn’t see any of this because I had always dismissed fashion as frivolous. Those high-control religious messages ran deep: don’t distract people, don’t draw attention, don’t take up too much space. The over-emphasis on modesty meant my body was being sexualized when I was barely a teenager, and the pressure to cover up and hide made clothing feel like something functional—not expressive.
But when I finally accepted, at almost 40, that fashion mattered to me—and I started applying a values-based approach to my finances—I added a clothing line item to my budget. I let myself shop more often, even though I still love hunting for deals. One of my favorite finds this year was a thick Banana Republic overcoat originally priced at $350 that I snagged for $30 in the off-season. I follow my favorite brands for sales, I rarely pay full price, and I rent clothing because I like the variety and it’s better for the environment.
And no—I do not thrift. I can’t. I hate the smell, the textures, the whole experience. Sorry, not sorry.
What amazes me most is that you can discover something so significant about yourself as you near midlife—something that has been there all along, quietly waiting.
As I’ve implemented this values-based approach in my own life, I’ve been using it with clients, too. Many of us are looking for something to root ourselves in besides rigid, belief-based living. Something more honest. More flexible. More human.
If you want to try this, take a few minutes and write down what you actually value. Look at what you naturally gravitate toward—how you spend money, what energizes you, what feels right. Do your choices feel aligned with who you are? Or are you performing for the folks who think you “should” make this or that choice?
For example, I recently decided I’m not buying a house anytime soon—even though so many people think it’s a major midlife “should.” I like a simple life. I don’t want high-maintenance anything. I drive an old car because cars don’t matter to me. What does matter is:
time with friends
learning and experiences
the arts and creativity
my work and career
So that’s where my money and energy go. And I’m leaving room for my values to grow with me.
This approach feels freeing. I get to be myself. And I don’t need anyone else to approve my values. They’re mine.
And you don’t need anyone to approve yours, either.
Check out Katherine’s Latest book on Spiritual Abuse