How to help family still inside the cult
The best thing you can do for family and friends still inside the cult is to live your best life.
This may feel counterintuitive when we come from spaces and organizations that conditioned us to believe we had the answer for everyone—that our way of living was the best way and we needed to share it with as many people as possible.
We also know how much our friends and family members are suffering, because we suffered in the same way for years—maybe even decades. We love them, we care about them, and we want them to experience freedom.
But when the core principle of a high-control religious environment or cult is control, the last thing someone inside that system needs is another person trying to convince them they’re doing something wrong. That’s often the last thing they’ll listen to.
Think back to what helped you get out. For me, it started with a tiny inkling that I wasn’t happy—just enough misery to make me look for answers and start asking questions, even if I did it quietly when no one was watching. I had no idea how trapped and miserable I was while I was inside, and I believe that was a survival response. Sometimes we live in denial of how bad our circumstances are because we don’t have a pathway out. This is often our body’s way of protecting us from a truth we simply can’t handle yet.
Simultaneously, the conditioning in these spaces is often laced with messages like, “You’re doing the right thing. Therefore you ARE happy.” We believe we’re happy because we have no reference point for anything different.
What helped me was exposure to other cultures, other people, and other ways of living—sometimes through books. Sometimes through travel.
Every now and then, someone in my life would hint that they thought my situation wasn’t great. But everyone in my immediate circle was in a similar situation, so they didn’t see it through the lens of abuse, because they were in the same environment.
Maybe—just maybe—you’re the only person your friend or family member inside the cult knows who has left. Maybe they’ll find you on Instagram, read your blog, or subscribe to your newsletter and see that you’re happy and thriving despite all the terrible things people inside the cult say about you. Maybe that will spark something inside them—a thought that maybe they can leave too. Maybe they’ll reach out to you on their own and ask questions. Maybe they’ll be open to hearing from you when the time is right.
But more than likely, they’ve been conditioned to see you as untrustworthy. Anything you say or any questions you ask will fall on defensive ears.
So the best thing you can do right now is address your own trauma, care for yourself, and create the life you want to live. Live that life to its fullest—in all its freedom and beautiful reality—facing struggles head-on and accepting that yes, life is difficult sometimes, but it also holds the potential for adventure and joy. Joy that we give ourselves—not because we’re behaving or doing the “right” thing, but because we deserve it simply for being human.
You fought hard for your freedom, and you deserve to enjoy it. You don’t need to save anybody. Those friends and family members still inside need to save themselves, just like you did. Because freedom needs to be their authentic choice. Maybe someday they’ll reach out and truly want your help. When that time comes, you’ll have done so much healing and created a life you love that you’ll be in a position to help them—if they truly want it.
The best thing you can do for friends and family still in the cult is to live your absolute best, most thriving life.
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