I don't celebrate Mother's Day anymore
I don't celebrate Mother's Day anymore.
At least not in the traditional sense. A few years ago, it became a day I deleted social media and took myself to breakfast or hung out with friends.
Now it's a day I take advantage of Mother's Day sales to buy things for myself. I also celebrate myself and other oldest daughters, the unsung mothers from the evangelical world I grew up in.
Today, I am so grateful for my freedom. My freedom from high-control religion. My freedom to travel, enjoy my chosen family, follow my dreams, and create the life I want to live.
I still sometimes grieve the stolen years. The years I carried responsibility and performed unpaid labor for my parents and younger siblings. I grieve the years I was coerced and conditioned into preparing for a life I never really wanted (that of stay-at-home wife and mom). My grief includes a healthy amount of anger, too.
I can feel all these emotions AND celebrate how much I fought for myself--even when it seemed nobody else was fighting for me.
I write more about this in my upcoming book on spiritual abuse.
For now, here's a little poem I wrote:
Day of the Oldest Daughter
"She's my right-hand."
"I couldn't do it without her."
praise that puffed me up
filled me with pride
my mother needed me
I was vital, important
the seeds planted young
My value placed on
My deeds of good service
My conditioned response
to care for the needs
of others
"Our Secret to having seven kids?
Train the older kids to help
with the younger."
built-in babysitters
housekeepers
launderers
as the family grew larger
so did the hampers
and the washing and drying
became folding and ironing
I was vital, important
the seeds planted young
My value placed on
My contribution
My helpful skills
bringing my younger
siblings into the world
Cooking, cleaning
lawn mowing
grocery shopping
meal planning
tutor the younger kids
drive them to class
but just like a mother
9-5 doesn't exist
waking with children in
the night when they cried
cleaning up vomit
washing the sheets
happy to shoulder the
burden of co-parent
I was vital, important
the seeds planted young
My value placed on
taking pain from others
and carrying it myself
My pay was in praise
the occasional nod
the whisper from
other parents
"I wish I had a daughter
half as good."
I was vital, important
the seeds planted young
My value placed on
making my family
look good
I'm a grownup now
no longer a child
caretaking other
children
for decades
finding value
in helping
in goodness
in caring for
others
another decade
to realize that
responsibility
should have
never
been mine
I'm a grownup now
planting new seeds
I'm vital, important
I'm vital, important
I'm vital, important
all by myself
Happy Day of the Oldest Daughter to those who celebrate