Why Do We Hide Our Vibrators?
Why do we hide our vibrators? I asked this question as I swept my vibrator into its nondescript case and removed it from the side table by my couch, tidying up before two friends dropped by for a visit. I then shoved it in a drawer, along with some bank statements, bills, and receipts.
That evening, after my friends left, I spent some more time contemplating. Why did I hide my vibrator in a drawer when I had no problem leaving a Costco-sized bottle of vodka on my countertop alongside a candle with the word “F*ck” stamped on the side?
Practical answer: there are few spaces where I could store the vodka bottle, size fit for a giant, in a 595 square-foot studio apartment. Also, candles are decorations. They are supposed to be visible. Even ones with expletives on the outside.
Keep it Secret
This is inching closer to the answer, I suspect. Some items are allowed to be, even supposed to be, visible. A painting is supposed to be hung on the wall. A bouquet of roses is supposed to be placed in a vase in the center of the table.
Unless in use, vibrators are supposed to stay in a drawer. Out of sight. The same rule applies to our underthings. Bras and underwear belong in a dresser drawer, not on the mantel above the fireplace. Tampons belong in a container beneath the sink or inside a tasteful glass container, in a bathroom marked “Women”.
But, why?
Some might respond that this is just the way it is. Some things are private. Some things are public. Sex, and anything to do with sex or the reproductive system, society generally considers private. We do not speak of it—or leave behind evidence of it—for the world to access.
But my curiosity grew as I thought of the two women whose visit prompted me to clean my apartment. Neither one of them is shy about sex or ashamed of discussing sexuality. They weren’t my grandmother, or my mother, or my conservative sister. We talked openly about sex and the things we were learning and exploring. Here, I simply hid my vibrator as a part of general cleaning, and shame was not a conscious part of the decision.
I continued to ruminate. How did sex, sexuality, and anything adjacent become a subject we package in nondescript cases? Why do companies that sell sex toys disguise the items that show up on our credit card statements, making it possible to hide our preferences, even from our partners?
Why so much secrecy around sex?
Cultural Rules
Now, cultural secrecy and shame differ from the right to disclosure. I don’t think anyone should have to talk about sex, sexuality, or sexual preferences or have those things disclosed about them without their consent. People have a right to their privacy and—as I know full well after living most of my life in conservative Christian culture—sometimes disclosing our experiences, beliefs, and preferences is not safe.
Here we edge even closer to the answer. I believe I knew the answer, even before I started contemplating the question. The influence of conservative culture shapes our public disclosure and discourse around sex and sexuality—specifically around the sexual experiences of women. Propped up with patriarchal influence, sexual ignorance curtails sexual freedom.
As far back as that fateful day when I received “the talk” from one of my parents who gave me a very truncated and inaccurate description of sex, revealing it as the simple act of penetration, my ignorance was solidified. This inaccurate and patriarchal description of sex, void of any mention of orgasm, erogenous zones, or female pleasure, led me to believe copulation was intended only to satisfy the man’s sexual appetite and create children.
The influence of this culture still pervades wider culture. Abstinence-only education penetrates our schools. Church youth groups in evangelicalism teach that self-pleasure and sexual exploration outside of marriage are sin. Considering there are over 300,000 congregations in the United States,[1] millions of youth continue to be influenced by this teaching.
Is it any wonder an item meant for female pleasure would be on the list of items we hide when we have house guests?
Cultural Divide
On the 28th of January, 2021, photos of Yvette Amos circled the internet in a frenzy. BBC Wales interviewed her live to discuss unemployment, but all anyone was talking about was the unique bookend on the shelf behind her. It was a dildo. Comments sang support, calling her a “queen.” Others mocked her, saying she should have checked her bookcase before going live. The story fascinates me, as it reveals a modern cultural divide on the question of our sexual experiences and sexuality. It also fascinates me that in 2021, this would stimulate such a stir, causing the clips of Amos to go viral, fueling debate on whether the dildo placement was intentional or a prank someone played on her.
Maybe it was neither. Maybe this object was a bookend, and that’s all Amos ever used it for. Maybe not. Does it matter?
Maybe the question of “why do we hide our vibrators?” is less about secrecy and shame than it as about a right to privacy. The right to determine when, where, and how we disclose this aspect of our humanity. We have a right to use a dildo as a bookend or a vibrator as an end table decoration. We also have a right not to.
When my conservative sister comes to visit, I will hide my vibrator. I also won’t talk about how solo sex is a regular part of my life. I know these things would make her uncomfortable, and, as a guest in my home, I would endeavor to make her as comfortable as possible.
However, it’s important to me that sex and sexuality are an open topic of discussion and something we honor as a part of what makes us human. So, while I may hide my vibrator and avoid discussing sexual experiences and preferences with certain people, I’m not ashamed to write an article exploring the reasons we might hide our vibrators.
I can do whatever I want with my vibrator. So can you.
Katherine Spearing MA, CTRC is the founder of Tears of Eden, a nonprofit supporting survivors of spiritual abuse and is a Certified Trauma Recovery Practitioner working primarily with clients who have survived cults, high-control environments, spiritual abuse, and sexual abuse. She also provides specialized trauma informed career coaching, as folks with trauma often need extra support for interviewing and networking.
Katherine is the author of a historical romantic comedy, Hartfords, a novel that challenges gender roles in a patriarchal society that will appeal to fans of Jane Austen. Her next book on Spiritual Abuse addresses the survivor’s recovery journey, coming in 2025.
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[1]. Data from the National Congregational Study Survey.