The Part of Family Estrangement No One Talks About
There is a part of family estrangement that I don't think we talk about very much.
It's the positive part.
The sad part is the part we bring to therapy. The difficult part. The deeply painful part.
And gosh, those parts are real! When you reach the point where you have to make that change, it's excruciating. There's no other way to put it.
But the part we don't talk about is how good it feels once we finally remove the life-sucking vampires (along with their enablers and supporters) from our lives.
It might take a few years before we notice the difference, but wow, that difference is astronomical.
I got to experience some separation from certain family members the first time I spent Christmas and Thanksgiving in another country. Because of geography, I couldn't go home for the holidays.
What surprised me was that I wasn't sad about it.
Interesting, I thought. I expected to miss my family more.
Another five years of geographic distance meant I got to choose which holidays I attended and sometimes skipped spending the actual holiday with family altogether.
Over time, I noticed something: My life was much more relaxed and peaceful when I didn't spend the holidays with my family.
Once, after I returned from Christmas with family, my therapist observed, in the kindest and most therapist-like way: "I just want to point something out. Whenever you go see your family, we spend weeks preparing you for the visit. Then you come back, and we spend weeks helping you recover. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just pointing out the pattern."
Y'all, I have to tell you, that observation was incredibly freeing.
There's a narrative in our society, and it's especially rampant in Christianity, that you should prioritized family above everything else. You're a coldhearted bitch and the spawn of the devil if you don't put your family first.
We see it in every Hallmark movie at Christmastime. The story is often about reconciling with your family and reconnecting after estrangement.
We celebrate the people who “forgive” and “forget”.
We criticize the people who create boundaries, especially when those boundaries lead to no contact.
So I wanted to write an article about the side of family estrangement that almost no one talks about.
I haven't spent the holidays with my family in years, and it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.
Most importantly, I've protected my peace and my energy.
I have energy now to invest in chosen family. Supportive, secure, regulated people whom I've carefully chosen to be part of my life.
Just because someone is a family member does not mean they are entitled to my energy.
If someone actively disrespects me or causes me harm, I have the right to redirect my energy elsewhere. I no longer have to give it to them or to the people who enable and support them.
I've started thinking of family estrangement as energy redistribution.
If you act like a toddler in an adult body, I'm not going to keep giving you my energy. I don't care how closely we're connected on the biological family tree.
Rotten, dead branches get trimmed.
(At least I assume they do. I don't actually know much about taking care of trees.)
But I do know a lot about family estrangement because I'm now several years into this process of energy redistribution.
And the only thing I regret is that I waited so long to make the change.
Yes, choosing estrangement can be excruciating.
But it is far more excruciating to spend the rest of your life allowing energy-sucking vampires to drain your soul.
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do isn't reconciliation.
Sometimes it's redistribution.
If you’re working through family estrangement and looking for trauma-informed support: