when you say sorry (a poem)

when you say sorry* 

it makes me feel like you’re apologizing 

for something 

and since what happened to me 

was not your fault

I feel I must come out of my sadness 

to comfort you in yours

when you say you’re sorry 

I feel like you don’t know what to say 

which is probably true

what do you say when someone 

tells you something like this?

but then I feel bad. 

I should not have put that on you 

that part of my story was too much 

and now we are both uncomfortable

I remember: while i’ve had a lifetime 

to grow use to this part of my story 

to navigate the nightmares

that will likely never completely go away 

you’ve had less than one minute 

“I’m sorry” is a reasonable response 

though part of me wishes I could go back in time 

one minute and maybe not share that bit about abuse. 

I’m comfortable with that word

but I forget most people don’t have that word 

floating in their head 24 hours a day. 

I’m not consciously thinking “abuse” every hour 

but that word is there to help me name the darkness 

and I can access it when I need it 

but I’m sure it felt like a sucker punch to you 

and that’s why your “I’m sorry” 

sputtered out of your mouth 

so now I’m sorry 

and lets just eat our sandwiches 

and talk about something else. 

the sky is blue, after all

there’s no need for both of us to be sad

This is not intended to chastise anyone for their response to difficult news. “I’m sorry” is a perfectly reasonable response in many cases of grief. And the loss that occurs in the aftermath of abuse is, indeed, a reason to grieve. 

This is merely to show the difficulty survivors navigate when interacting with everyday life. Do I share my story? Do I keep it hidden? Is it safe here? Is it better to keep that part secret? We were having such a lovely time, then I let that part slip. Now we’re both uncomfortable, I wish I hadn’t said anything. 

Through therapy and interaction with fellow survivors, someone might become very comfortable telling their story. Then, they interact with other humans and realize what they have grown used to is very difficult for the rest of the world. 

Most of the time, it’s just easier to pretend that part of your life doesn’t exist in order to blend in with society. 

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Photo by Suhyeon Choi on Unsplash