Today's my last day in Mexico. It's the weirdest feeling ever. I've been crying all week--and I'm sure more tears will come--but right now I'm just feeling grateful. So many of my dreams have come true, it's almost not fair. Not fair to whom? I'm not sure. But not fair to somebody because my life's pretty solid. Really solid.
It's amazing how your emotions will target one thing when they're so crazy they can't understand themselves. This past week, my emotions have been targeting this layer of flab that's appeared on my stomach and refuses to go away, even though I've been exercising like crazy and pretty much living on a diet of protein smoothies.
I am so angry at this flab.
Why will this flab not go away?
Last night, I cried over my flab. Then, mid-sob, I started laughing. What the heck? I am not blind. I'm not deaf. I have the use of my entire body. I'm living in friggin Mexico and I'm about to move to Missouri to go to friggin grad school.
But instead of focusing on all of those wonderful things I was sitting on my bed, mad at the flab.
Yeah, it was pretty hysterical.
So after I finished laughing, I got up and had a bowl of ice cream. With chocolate syrup. I believe the person who invented chocolate and ice cream was divinely inspired to do so. There is no other explanation for why those two things mixed together can be so incredibly wonderful.
Wonder. That feeling goes along with the feeling of gratefulness. I think you need both. I think you need gratefulness to experience wonder and I think you need wonder to understand gratefulness. G.K. Chesterton says we are perishing for want of wonder, not for want of wonders. And it's so true. Wonders surround us. They sing songs and perform stomp-the-yard routines right in front of us. We've got a lot of wonders in this world.
It's okay to feel loss at the close of one season and the beginning of another. Sometimes my heart feels like it's going to burst with the combined forces of grief and excitement. It's why I focused my emotional energy on my flab. It was a coping mechanism. I think God understands we need that more than we do. I think He knows us better than we will ever know ourselves and He knows how to comfort us. Sometimes He uses a Bible verse or an encouraging word from a friend. Sometimes He uses ice cream. But all these things, all these wonders, are His and tell us a story about Him.
So today, as I finish packing and saying goodbye, I'll focus on those little things. I'll focus on a Jesus who's so good to me I can't even fathom it. I'll savor this last day, even if it's savored with a broken heart. I'm glad I have a heart that can break.
And I'll think about how one day, I'd like to own a house. I'd like to paint the walls and decorate it with cutesy furniture and pictures of my family while I make eggplant Parmesan over my very own stove. But for now, I'll fill my Toyota Solara with all of my possessions and move from Mexico to Missouri. Just me and the toll-filled, border-crossing, deserted highway. Here's to new adventures.
Here's to new wonders...