Friday, May 21, 2010

My Personal Isaac

“Take now, your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac...and offer him there as a burnt offering.” Genesis 22:2

A week ago, I felt the Lord leading me to lay marriage on the sacrificial alter. I kept thinking of Abraham, sacrificing the gift that God had given him--the son whom he loved.

Not too long after that, I felt this leading particularly concerning a boy I believed the Lord encouraged me to like. I wrote in my journal, “God, I feel like this is kind of your fault.”

I was being facetious, but at times I really do feel like He’s the one to blame. I would never have liked this boy at all if I hadn’t felt like the Lord had spoken things about him. I would have been better off if I had never loved, I thought. I never would have loved if God had not done XY and Z.

So when I felt like the Lord wanted me to lay him down, my response to this was, “God, I have laid him down!”

But then I realize how my heart still flutters a little whenever I hear his name or see a picture of him. Even if it is ever so slight, a mere man has a hold on my heart that he has no right to possess.

So I deleted his name from my cell phone. I had to practice first, deleting other names (they were just old contacts from years ago), but then I finally got rid of his name.

Also, I had written stuff about him--thankfully on my computer and not in my journal. Today, those documents went in the trash.

It feels good--to take control of the feelings that have, for so many years, controlled me. It feels good to finally say goodbye and put an end to things in my heart.

But then we go back to my personal Isaac of laying marriage on the alter. Here, also, I had a talk with God. You see, I’ve never been one of those girls who longed for marriage, dreamed about marriage, had my wedding planned by the time I was five, had crushes by the millions, and thought I would die if I never got it.

So what exactly was I sacrificing?

I still shrug my shoulders and am a bit mystified about this moving in my spirit. I don’t know what it means or exactly what it entails. I don’t believe it means I’ll never get married, but I also don’t think God’s about to give me marriage as a result of my surrender.

Usually, I don’t publish things on my blog until I have them figured out. Today is the exception. I’m just writing as thoughts come to my head. All I know is what the Lord told me, and He’s yet to tell me the end of the story.

I hate it when He does that.

But, He’s the Father and I’m the child, He’s the savior and I’m the savee, He’s the Knight in shining armor, the King, the Boss. He’s God--and I’m not. And what God does with His special revelations is completely up to Him.

It might be better if I just forget about it all together.

Or I could just anticipate the ending and hope it comes soon.

But until then, I’ll wait for the Lord.

“And Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide, as it is said to this day, ‘in the mount of the Lord it will be provided.’” Genesis 22:14

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