Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dear Grammie

Dear Grammie,

Everything is good here. Really. We miss you. It didn’t feel like Christmas until Wednesday the 23rd. I wasn’t sure why, but something inside me told me not to try and figure it out. It wasn’t until that Wednesday, when the fam, Uncle Dan, Grandpa, and Nana all went to Nashville to see the Rockettes that I could put a finger on why.

It’s because something was wrong, something was missing. Then I looked around and realized someone was missing. You were missing. That’s when tears would start to come to my eyes and a knot would form in my chest. That’s when I had to start cleaning or baking or talking really loud to get the feeling out of my stomach. But sometimes I’d just let myself cry. Because I think it’s okay to miss you.

Someone in church on Christmas Eve, said, “I’m sorry about your grandmother. But you know she’s in a better place.”

I replied, “She sure is, I bet she’s having a good time right now.”

I don’t know if they celebrate Christmas up there, but if they do, I bet the mint brownies, Christmas trees, and Christmas lasagna are way better than here.

As far as Christmas goes, I think the Lord gave us a special one. I think He knew it would be hard for us so He gave us some extra joy. Grandpa and Uncle Dan spent a lot of time with us. Grandpa is really happy. I know he has hard days, but he pulls it together when he’s with us and makes us all laugh. (He creamed us in Texas Hold ‘em, by the way. And this time I know he didn’t cheat. He seriously just got lucky.)

Gramps gave me a Starbucks gift card that someone gave him but he doesn’t think he’ll use. If he wasn’t already the worlds best grandfather, that act alone would put him in first place.

Coffee has been my connecting source with him, lately. On Christmas morning, Mom and I got up early, before all the kids, and went to visit him. He had the table set and coffee made when we got there. I commented on the set table and he said, “Of course I set the table, I have women visitors.”

We had a good time that morning, just talking, drinking coffee, and eating cinnamon rolls. I wish you could have been there, too.

Aunt Karen and Uncle Mike and Matthew and Sarah Beth came the Saturday after Christmas. It so happened that this year was one of the best Christmases we’ve had. There was a connection like there used to be. It didn’t feel as formal. I really enjoyed it. I think it’s safe to say, that since we lost you, we all feel a need for each other that we’ve never had.

Oh, and I decided I’m going to decorate my room with art. I didn’t used to care for it, now I think I’d rather have art then photographs on the wall. And my first piece of art to frame is that painting you gave me for Christmas several years ago. It was the same year you made me pillows to match my bedspread.

The painting is of a girl, standing in the midst of geese she’s supposed to be tending. But instead she’s just staring at a feather in her hands. The title of the painting is “Dreaming.” I’ve always liked it because it so perfectly defines me.

I think you knew I was a dreamer, even before I did.

And you always supported my dream of writing. I’m sad you won’t be here to see my first book published, but since you can’t be, I’ll just imagine that the library in heaven will get a copy of it. I just might dedicate it to you, just in case you do get to read it.

Today is the last day of 2009. 2009 was a sad year; the saddest event was the day I lost you. I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you not being in 2010. As I say goodbye to 2009, I say goodbye to you, because 2009 was the last year you lived here on earth. But one day I’ll wake up and be with you again.

But until then, here’s to thinking of you.

Cheers.

Love,

Katherine (Your Katie-Girl)

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